Today is the day I realized there is no one in my life I can turn to. When I first had this thought, I meant it more than I have meant anything in a very long time. The more I mulled over it, the lower I fell, until I finally touched that plateau where self-pity turns to guilt and guilt into anger. Anger is passion of mine; it has motivated me to do great things, both for myself and against other people. It also helps me to realize when I am wrong. Today, I realized that there is no one in my life I can turn to, because when I was truly exposed and destroyed, when I needed that voice I try so desperately to be for other people, I had no voice to call for help. I didn’t want to, I refused to. Staring at a blank wall, my anger forced me to see that I have stumbled into a corner with my back to all those who care enough about me to pull me up. Today is the day that I realized, in order to turn to someone, you must trust them- I don’t.
The human mind is one of the most fascinating and dangerous things I have encountered to date. I find that, the more I discover about it, the less I like the beings to which it belongs as a whole. This, I understand, sounds pompous and pessimistic, but I assure you I am ordinarily neither. There is only so much room for contradiction in one system before even those within it begin to question how it is able to function at all. I am a shining example of how the brain can separate completely how we feel from how we act- if you observe from a psychological perspective, which is to examine the different in order to understand the normal. Blunt is what most would call it, for lack of a stronger word. I find no embarrassment in saying that, all pleasure normally derived from turning how heavily you can impact a person mentally with your actions into a game was ripped from me as a child when I too often found myself on the losing side. I prefer to be up front about my opinions and standings, which strangely enough, threatens a vast majority of the world. My honesty threatens people, still I find this staggering. Humans, so deeply concerned with the way they want to see things, react violently when presented with any alternative. When I discovered sarcasm, and people who enjoyed it, life became much easier for me, but even still I am forced to maintain a polite level of falsehood so that I do cause constant panic. Interestingly enough, however, I have also discovered that, what anger does for me, fear does for many others. This, my quickly developing ability to discern how best to help a person see through problematic situations, and my own trust issues, are how I began my career in psychology.
For years, I have searched for a proper tone, softened vocabulary, and sympathetic gestures as a means of conveying my advice, and while they have proven to be effective, I fully appreciate the irony in the fact that often, words void of any of those physical human associations are what grab the most attention. Written words are like great musical works; when composed properly, general meaning can be assumed, but the interpretation and application (or performance) of certain aspects of the design are what make the tune memorable, and those visions are specific and unique to every individual person. I intend to use this blog as nothing more than an outlet for words that go unspoken in everyday life, but if someone were to happen upon it and take something back from these words, then I would be alright with that.
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